Dear Worshipper(s):

Yesterday, state-controlling media announced that the UK Prime Minister’s right ear, Dominic Cummings, wrote a blog detailing his vision for government moving forward, and in particular the rôle of non-elected, anonymous civil servants in that vision.  In addition, he projected the rather frightening view that government could be shaken up in any way that he sees fit, and that he wants to see government policy experts, database and project managers, and weirdos and misfits.

Seeing that I see myself as belonging firmly in the misfit category, I took it upon myself to write a letter in the form of an email to Mr Cummings, who clearly makes no bones about his being the controlling arm of Boris Johnson’s particular brand of puppetry, and send it.  However, on reflection, I decided not to send it as a regular email, it would get lost in the millions of similar ‘spoof’ applications that Mr Cummings would no doubt be receiving right now.  Better to copy it here and then send Mr Cummings a link to it.

So, I reproduce my reply here for your edification.  Perhaps either of you readers could suggest to me whether I send it, or indeed if not to send it where I should put it.  The only caveat I would add that, wherever you want me to shove it, the sun must be shining there:

Dear Mr Cummings:

I am 53 years old and on my last legs.

I wonder if I may have a job in the Civil Service working under you for the time being, because I have a ton of great ideas that, were they to be implemented, would leave the country under Tory rule for the next century or more.

I have not worked for 15 years because I have a condition called Fibromyalgia, which attacks the nervous system in such a way as it thinks it can’t do anything.  A bit like Labour, really.

In addition, and furthermore, I have anxiety and depression which has kept me almost housebound for that length of time, except for the times I went out.  When it strikes, it’s a crippling, nasty condition.  However, I feel I can begin to address this by putting the country right.

If I may, I will lay out a few policy ideas below which I believe can bring the country back up off its knees and draw the best out of us as a nation.  They include:

• A complete removal of Parliament.  It is no longer needed.  I believe the Prime Minister used the word ‘irrelevant,’ or something like that.  I cannot now remember.  Prior to the election on 12 December, I had thought of there being a clean sweep of members of Parliament, inasmuch as all those who were sitting MPs before the election, would not be allowed to stand for their constituencies.  A complete new House of Commons (government excepted, of course).  However, this did not happen and the same lot of clueless, bumbling battery of buffoonery was elected. 

 

• A one-party state.  We are already halfway to this, so why not go all the way?  Labour, instead of taking the opportunity to shoot the opposition, ended up turning the gun on themselves and blasting themselves to Kingdom Come.  The Prime Minister will still have to tolerate Mr Corbyn sitting across the dispatch box for the time being, but he will be completely and totally ineffective as an opposition to government, as leader of his own party, as an MP, and… lots of other things.  Besides, when the HoC is swept clean, he will be thrown out with the rubbish.

 

• The Prime Minister must take complete control of all government decisions.  While members of the Cabinet can of course advise the Prime Minister, and continue responsibility for their respective departments, it is Mr Johnson who must make all decisions of government.  If they succeed, Mr Johnson will be the greatest British Prime Minister that ever lived.  If they fail, it’s the individual Cabinet member’s fault.  

 

• The public, via the media, must be told that any form of dissent will not be tolerated.  The police will be given added powers to arrest and instantly sentence people to a specific term of imprisonment for violent misconduct, and any civil unrest must be treated with an iron fist.  

 

• Speaking of media, the government must take over all media outlets, including the internet, so that only government policy can be expressed through newspapers, television news, and web media.  All media will broadcast state propaganda, concerning the return of public services to government ownership, one-party state, and prog rock music.  There is a band called Spiral Planet who get played occasionally on Forest of Dean radio, whose music is most definitely prog, with leanings towards teaching its audience about climate change, astrophysics, human emotion and inflatable robotic women that would be ideal as a distraction for the audience while we adopt these policies that will appear to be dictatorial but in reality for their benefit.  We need: one internet supplier, offering download speeds just enough for people to get government propaganda and access to the Spiral Planet (band) Facebook page; two radio stations – one for speech and ‘discussion,’ and one to play Spiral Planet’s music and interview the band; one TV station, broadcasting government propaganda and Spiral Planet’s YouTube videos (YouTube itself will be taken down, along with everything else except the Government’s and Spiral Planet’s respective Facebook pages.  Interaction and all messages will have to be scrutinised carefully so that only government-approved opinions can be aired, and no unrest is encouraged.  This is for the benefit of the public, you understand.  

 

• No mobile phones allowed.  Phone boxes will be reintroduced.  Again, enormous expense at initial outlay, but the long-term cost will be much cheaper.  Companies in which Cabinet members, their friends and relatives, have shares can only be used.  Take the money and run, I say.

 

• All social media, blogs (except those of government employees) must be taken down if they contravene government policy in any way.  The presentation to the outside world must be of a happy and carefree life here in Britain, and any reports of unrest or disorder that do somehow escape the media embargo are complete falsehoods.  By the way, if the individual leaking any false or fake news is caught, which extra police and military powers could be brought in to deal with, then the iron fist mentioned in the earlier point will be brought down on them.

 

• The Prime Minister must take complete and direct control of the military, who can assist (or even take over from) the police in discharging their duties.  Military weaponry can also be used to beat back dissenters.  Unfortunately, it may be necessary to sacrifice some dissenters in order to benefit the population as a whole.  The public must realise we are not fooling.  

 

• All public services must be brought under direct government control.  This is not nationalisation; it simply means that members of the cabinet, and perhaps their civil servants, can fight among themselves as to which public service they wish to profit from.  Parliamentary profit from the public purse has caused scandal before, but as you are no doubt aware, the stink dies down after a while and nobody cares anymore.  Why worry?  The government can do what it wants, and nobody can protest about it because the government has given itself powers via the military to crack down on protesters.  And the media will have been more or less silenced vis a vis policy opposition.

 

• Billions of pounds will need to be spent on the NHS, schools, libraries and other public services to bring them back to the standards they were back in the 1980s.  Or even better.  The public need perfect public property in order to create the illusion that the government cares about them, which it plainly does not.  How can the public be convinced (for the time being) that the government is working for them if their public services are shit?  They need good, clean hospitals, surgeries that don’t give you a stroke trying to book a bloody appointment, and treatment for their condition without running the risk of coming out of hospital with a bacterial condition that nobody can spell.

 

• Furthermore, the government must also look after the environment.  Climate change is very real and can cause some pretty dangerous situations.  Just take a look at Australia.  The prime minister there is walking around pretending to care and he’s not even a very good actor.  Look what he is allowing his underlings to do to him.  And the way the public talked to him!  That, too, must be stopped here.  As before, the police and the army must be able to have the power to arrest, and lock up there and then those who wish to abuse the Prime Minister and/or make him feel that he is in any danger.  In the UK we need to ensure that the countryside is kept in a beautiful state so that government members, their staff and families can enjoy buying up hundreds of thousands of acres of land at a massive bargain.  This would probably mean taking land from their rightful owners, by force if necessary (police & military, etc.) but we would only be doing it for the good of the nation, and for the good of the environment.  Again, the Prime Minister must take personal responsibility for getting rid of all the rubbish generated by the public in an environmentally friendly and ecological way.  He’s got to give an example to the population, who just don’t seem to be getting it.  

 

• Oh yes, the last general election must be the last general election.  We cannot get all these things done with the prospect of another election in five years, or even less if we allow the public to pressure Parliament into a second referendum on EU membership, or even another election if MPs, including Conservative ones, lose confidence in the government.  A one-party state can rule for as long as it wants to – or have elections where there is only one candidate, or possibly multiple candidates with only one that has any chance of winning.  A Conservative and two or three armchair politicians pulled out at random from a hat.  It seems to me that is what was going on in a lot of constituencies anyway last December.  This goes back to my original point about the destruction of Parliament as a building and as the illusion of democracy that it has been for so many years.  

Mr Cummings, I hope the above will give you a few ideas, some of them perhaps radical, but this is what is needed after years of Labour rule under Blair and Brown – the former being a war criminal who should be arrested and put on the first plane out to The Hague as quickly as possible.  Mr Cameron was PM for five years – a nice bloke but he almost broke the nation with his silly referendum idea, and he has taken no responsibility for what he has done.

I further hope that you will consider employing me as one of your underlings.  I would need some assistance from the point of view of my disability, with perhaps even the consideration of working from home if that can be arranged.  I can send you any ideas you wish via WhatsApp (which will have to be taken over by the government), Skype (same) and FaceTime (same).

Government austerity will be cranked up and yes, some areas (like the North) will be sacrificed with food shortages, starvation and complete lack of jobs.  But they can be sacrificed with the secure knowledge that at least the South can enjoy itself with all the luxuries that life can offer.  I propose the North/South divide around the Birmingham area.

Would the above ideas fit in with your policies?  It seems to me from media reports that they will, and I am very excited to see you implement these at the earliest opportunity.

I look forward to hearing from you very soon.  My CV is attached.

With best wishes,

Sincerely,
Stephen Butler
Dymock, Gloucestershire (come and find me; I’ll be waiting).

These are fairly reasonably requests, I feel, for Mr Cummings to take on board and use for the ‘new style of government’ he is after.  I’ll not go through his blog in great detail, if you want to take a poke at it, you can do so here:

‘Two hands are a lot’ — we’re hiring data scientists, project managers, policy experts, assorted weirdos…

Straight away, he sets out his stall: government’s great, he says, but there are fundamental problems that need to be addressed now, because we are a government with a significant majority with little need to worry about short-term unpopularity in order to make progress with long-term problems.

Further down, he tells us that he wants to make himself ‘much less important.’  I don’t think so.  I think he wants to make himself much more important, the guru of a load of junior misfits whose job it is to take the shit when things go wrong so that he can go and hide underground.

My advice to both of my fans is: don’t apply.  If you do, you’ll become part of the Fascist machine that Cummings is in the process of creating.  Think I’m wrong?  Look at the things that he has ordered his boss, the Prime Minister, to do.  Hold a general election, not a second referendum.  That way, you can claim a ‘significant majority,’ in Parliament, but with just 43% of the vote.  None of your old democratic crap, like getting more than half, to run your agenda through without opposition.  No; in other words, the opposition has no voice despite achieving 57% of the overall vote.  But the difference is, that 57% didn’t all vote for the same party, plus the fact many deserted the Labour party in their droves.  So, Labour gifted Boris Johnson the election, and killed themselves off as an effective opposition in one fell swoop.  No wonder they don’t want to change the electoral system!  

For the first time, we are faced with a government that is absolutely unequivocal about the destruction it is about to wreak on the country.  And at the centre of it all, like an Iago, or even a Judas, is Dominic Cummings, pulling the strings and now looking for folk with strange talents to assist him as he begins to wage war on democracy, and turn Boris Johnson into a sort of European Robert Mugabe, which I’m sure he didn’t intend to be but will soon end up that way.

I have an odd talent – I can recreate historical buildings and artefacts using only toilet rolls – does that qualify me for a rôle in the civil service at the heart of government?

I think it might. x