Time: December 2019.

Somewhere, in a land culturally entirely removed from our own, something stirred.

Right from the word ‘go’, we knew it was liable to spread quickly, insidiously, and without favour, and it did.

Soon, we all had it.

That’s right; in December 2019, this disease spread from Middle England right out, knocking down the ‘Red Wall,’ destroying everything in its path. In December 2019, this country voted Conservative. Again.

And Johnson Minor, the very epitome of the Eton bully boy, the boy given whatever he wanted just to shut him up, became Prime Minister of the former United Kingdom.

And we must learn to live with it.

All attempts to get rid of it failed. Not because we didn’t know how, but because we were to apathetic to get off our Strictly Come Dancing-fed arses to do anything about it.

Quickly, though, our scientific brethren came up with a vaccine that would render the Prime Minister so powerless, so impotent, that he would be forced to resign immediately. But, with every attempt to remove him from office, Boris Johnson introduced a new ‘variant’ of Conservatism that affected more people than the vaccine could cure.

The Opposition was forced to look inward at its own vaccine and took the decision to get rid of it and start again. So, the Corbynista vaccine was removed and in came Sir Kier Starmer. Oh, no! They’re going to cure this disease by injecting it with itself!

This method was bound not to work, and so it proved. The Sir Kier Starmer vaccine was weak, insipid, it did nothing for those who took it except turn them into watered-down conservatives.

The ‘Eton’ variant is still here. And we must learn to live with it, because we cannot destroy it. It is too endemic among the population now. We have spent so much money trying half-heartedly to defeat it that it has ruined the economy. And just yesterday, the man who claimed he didn’t realise that the party at 10 Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral was a work do, raised the level of National Insurance contributions by 1.25%, or £39billion, to pay for NHS backlogs caused by the Eton variant – and earlier, more deadly ones such as Brexit, and Tony Blair.

CONSERVATIVE-19 has brought this country to a standstill. Its constant variations enabled it to dodge a cure; the vaccines were almost set up not to work anyway. CONSERVATIVE-19 was able to reproduce itself in key areas of the country, such as the so-called ‘Red Wall.’ Ecologically, the disease has wreaked havoc among those whose responsibility should have been to stand guard over the environment and preserve its beauty and majesty for those in the future to enjoy. The Eton variant allowed its victims to enjoy fox-hunting and badger-culling in rural areas. The disease was so strong that it survived weak and half-hearted variants such as THERESAMAY-15; but soon, when CONSERVATIVE-19 took hold, we were quickly back to those dark days of INFINCHENZA-79 when almost the entire country was decimated.

Is it all lost? Has Boris Johnson returned the country to the conservative stupor we went through during the ealy 1980s? I hope very much that there is a way out. There must be. I don’t know what it is at this stage, but despite there being no evidence to support it, I very much hope that some kind of vaccine will be introduced that will make Conservatism a thing of the past, like tuneful pop music or Matthew Kelly.

But for now, all we can do, all we must do, is defeat it by learning to live with it. Someone, please, come up with a vaccine. x

Basically, what is happening in the United Kingdom may well be happening in your country also, perhaps for the some of the same but most likely for other reasons, too.

Let me explain:

In the United Kingdom, our government is preparing its population to ‘live with the virus.’ Gradually, restrictions are being eased, one by one. This means, OK, we tried everything, we’re beaten, we give up, etc., etc. A radical change from two years ago, when we were going to beat it, no matter what. But that in itself is not the worst thing this government has done re: COVID, because if the same situation has not happened in your country, then it will.

There are dictatorships around the world that have not behaved as brazenly selfishly as Boris Johnson and Merrie Eton-Spoonfed ‘Men.’ The Queen, Her Majesty for Christ’s sake, sat alone in the chapel at Windsor Castle, a small and forlorn figure in black, at a time when she needed her family the most, and buried her husband of 73 years with a mask on her face. The night before, Conservate Party workers got themselves royally pissed, if you’ll pardon the expression, at Downing Street. They probably missed the funeral on the telly because they were too hung over to switch the thing on.

Yet the Queen unselfishly insisted that the funeral be conducted along social distancing guidelines no matter what the emotional cost to herself. I have never supported the Queen in anything before, ever. But this generation of Conservatives are beyond heartless; they would have caused Margaret Thatcher to turn away in shame.

It simply defies logic that any group of people, let alone our government, can behave in this way, especially those in the public eye, and even more especially, our Prime Minister. As if attending the event was bad enough, he then goes on to try and pass it off by saying that, and it almost seems as though italics are not enough, he didn’t know that the event was breaking the rules because it was supposed to be a work event!!! I mean, Christ Almighty! You just have to double-take repeatedly to make sure that these words were actually uttered by a sitting Prime Minister of Her Majesty’s government.

Imagine if Disraeli, Gladstone, Lloyd-George or Sir Winston Churchill had uttered those words. Imagine if, during the darkest days of World War Two, when people up and down the country, including the royal family, turned their lights out and sat in darkness because so ordered by Churchill, the following day after a particularly vicious bombing raid with many dead and buildings razed to the ground, the public found out that Sir Winston and his staff had held a boistrous party with all the lights on and music blaring away. We’re over here, Hitler, come and find us!

Well, Mr Churchill, what have you got to say for yourself? Churchill: “Um…er…well, I appreciate that it looks bad but it was a work do and nobody told me that the rules applied to us?” (Question mark at the end deliberate to suggest the idiotic raising of tone that people seem to do these days.)

Mr Churchill, scream the press, you idiot!!! Nobody told you? You made the rules! The press lobby repeatedly for his resignation, or, better yet, his dismissal. But the Conservatives ride out the storm and soon people forget about it.

Let me assure you, dear reader, that the above scenario featuring Sir Winston would never have happened. But it happened in 2021 thanks to a bumbling, witless newspaper editor who lucked himself into the top job in British politics. Boris Johnson’s American lookalike, Donald J. Trump, said and did more stupid things during his four years as president, but none came even close to this; and we’re talking about someone who said he had a clever uncle.

Again, I find it difficult to believe that I agree wholeheartedly with a Tory, but David Davies this week said, “in the name of God, go!” Does he need it any clearer than this? x