Time: December 2019.

Somewhere, in a land culturally entirely removed from our own, something stirred.

Right from the word ‘go’, we knew it was liable to spread quickly, insidiously, and without favour, and it did.

Soon, we all had it.

That’s right; in December 2019, this disease spread from Middle England right out, knocking down the ‘Red Wall,’ destroying everything in its path. In December 2019, this country voted Conservative. Again.

And Johnson Minor, the very epitome of the Eton bully boy, the boy given whatever he wanted just to shut him up, became Prime Minister of the former United Kingdom.

And we must learn to live with it.

All attempts to get rid of it failed. Not because we didn’t know how, but because we were to apathetic to get off our Strictly Come Dancing-fed arses to do anything about it.

Quickly, though, our scientific brethren came up with a vaccine that would render the Prime Minister so powerless, so impotent, that he would be forced to resign immediately. But, with every attempt to remove him from office, Boris Johnson introduced a new ‘variant’ of Conservatism that affected more people than the vaccine could cure.

The Opposition was forced to look inward at its own vaccine and took the decision to get rid of it and start again. So, the Corbynista vaccine was removed and in came Sir Kier Starmer. Oh, no! They’re going to cure this disease by injecting it with itself!

This method was bound not to work, and so it proved. The Sir Kier Starmer vaccine was weak, insipid, it did nothing for those who took it except turn them into watered-down conservatives.

The ‘Eton’ variant is still here. And we must learn to live with it, because we cannot destroy it. It is too endemic among the population now. We have spent so much money trying half-heartedly to defeat it that it has ruined the economy. And just yesterday, the man who claimed he didn’t realise that the party at 10 Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral was a work do, raised the level of National Insurance contributions by 1.25%, or £39billion, to pay for NHS backlogs caused by the Eton variant – and earlier, more deadly ones such as Brexit, and Tony Blair.

CONSERVATIVE-19 has brought this country to a standstill. Its constant variations enabled it to dodge a cure; the vaccines were almost set up not to work anyway. CONSERVATIVE-19 was able to reproduce itself in key areas of the country, such as the so-called ‘Red Wall.’ Ecologically, the disease has wreaked havoc among those whose responsibility should have been to stand guard over the environment and preserve its beauty and majesty for those in the future to enjoy. The Eton variant allowed its victims to enjoy fox-hunting and badger-culling in rural areas. The disease was so strong that it survived weak and half-hearted variants such as THERESAMAY-15; but soon, when CONSERVATIVE-19 took hold, we were quickly back to those dark days of INFINCHENZA-79 when almost the entire country was decimated.

Is it all lost? Has Boris Johnson returned the country to the conservative stupor we went through during the ealy 1980s? I hope very much that there is a way out. There must be. I don’t know what it is at this stage, but despite there being no evidence to support it, I very much hope that some kind of vaccine will be introduced that will make Conservatism a thing of the past, like tuneful pop music or Matthew Kelly.

But for now, all we can do, all we must do, is defeat it by learning to live with it. Someone, please, come up with a vaccine. x